30 May 2001

[The Silence Expensive]

Tom rented shadow of the vampire which i plan to watch tonight. i was asked today if i was interested in having a full-time teaching position next year, taking over the classes of a teacher leaving this year. while the extra money and benefits would be nice, i'm just not sure I'm ready for the pressure. i don't consider myself to be a full-time adult yet, and although i know i am competent and qualified for the position, i still need two classes after this summer to complete my MA and MEd, which, unfortunately will detract from my ability to be the best teacher i can be. so i will continue my full-time, no benefit, teacher's aid/ tutor/ substitute job at least for next year.

29 May 2001

[We're All Old Maids at Thirty]

a long unproductive weekend. just the way i like it. it's quiet. seniors are gone. kinda sad. i've only had this job for a few months, but I'm disappointed that i can't go to graduation because i have class of my own to attend and a presentation to give. perhaps if i go early, i can make it downtown for graduation. we'll see. the process from me going from vegetarian to omnivore has been prolonged further. i was going to go out for steak this past weekend with Tom, but his work schedule left him tired. he was sick this morning with a migraine. this friday, however, he's off work, so we're hittin the steak house, not before i take an antihistamine to prevent a break out. I'm concerned also with weight gain, knowing that my metabolism has changed over the past six years. of course, i'll still be one for animal rights and all. testing on animals, especially for the petty things we humans use, is ridiculous. but the fact that i wear leather makes me out to be a hypocrite when, in the same breath that i talk about my new gripfasts, i identify myself as a non-meat eater. i don't like hypocrisy. in fact, that's a more pressing issue than what i should eat. But then again, i shouldn't care either way because I'm beyond what others think of me anyway. i think being too consumed with how other poseur losers think of you is a symptom of the crappy city i live in.

25 May 2001

[Punched and Fluffed]

last night was great. no class to attend. watched way of the gun with benicio tel toro. He would play a good wolverine or frankenstein's monster. rented hamlet too, the new one with mr. hawke & bill murray - an odd combo.

24 May 2001

[I'm Doing Loopity Loops]

I've made a decision to preserve my sanity. by dropping american realism and signing up for a class which takes place in the 3rd summer session, i will be saving myself from unneeded stress. I'm leaning toward an undergraduate level theology class that will fulfill one of my electives for my MEd (any 300 level or above class will do). this class starts in july. i will be done with my adolescent lit class in two and a half weeks. i start the four week o.w.p. workshop june 18th, and although it will overlap slightly with the theology class, the stress factor will be much lower that it would have been had i stayed in american realism. i keep feeling like i need to justify myself. i wish i didn't.

22 May 2001

[*]

i start my new class tonight - American realism. let's have a moment of silence to pray that henry james is excluded from the syllabus i just have to say, that monster by walter dean myers is an excellent book. it is by far the best book I've read so far for my adolescent literature class. unfortunately i don't have much to say right now. between classes, work, and my minuscule desires to publish a zine & embark on a summer project of sorts. i have little time to day dream and think of anything to write for this journal. i will, however, continue in hopes that i will be propelled by some force to write something inspirational or profound. But chances are that this is unlikely

21 May 2001

[*]

I'm thinking about starting a zine, not an ezine, a zine - on paper, and distributing them at malls, bars, and nightclubs. i could even put the publishing experience on my resume'. tee-hee. although i have desktop publishing experience, i think i prefer to do at least part of the zine entirely by hand - cut and paste, editing with a black sharpie, spending hours at the xerox machine.

20 May 2001

[*]

wow. except for the phone ringing once, this has been a completely silent day. i havent' even yelled any obscenities to myself as a result of stubbing my toe or burning myself with scalding water - something i do nearly every time my caffeine deprived, jittering self makes coffee. yikes. still haven't found a book that I've been looking for, Am I Blue, a compilation of short stories based on the lives of gays/ lesbians/ bisexuals for adolescents. i could have ordered from bn.com, but when shipping costs more than the book itself, i tend to have issues. besides, if it wouldn't have shown up by monday afternoon (i would have ordered in saturday) i would have been screwed still and out of five bucks. nevertheless, even if i don't purchase the book for the class, i still want to read it for my own enjoyment. my obsession with playing with my computer, i think, has grown quite unhealthy. it was gorgeous outside today, perhaps a little hot, and what did i do, play with photoshop. But i also hunted around for good deals for my summer books, and that was something i really did need to do. i start another crash course this week - on tuesdays and thursdays. what a joy. i still don't know what I'm doing in grad school. i know for sure that I'm going to complete my MEd but whether or not i am eligible to receive my MA after getting a b minus in lit. theory is something that has been bothering me. however, i have a contingency plan. rather than getting the MA in English, i am going to work toward an MA in theology which requires four core classes and 18 hours of elective, 18 hours i already have toward my MA will suffice. So I'm not feeling too fucked up the ass. well sort of.

19 May 2001

[*]

this is crazy. i was short 30 bucks at the pawn shop, so i went to an atm to withdrawl more money, and i was unable to do so because i would have been exceeding my daily allowed withdrawlable amount. The bank was not open; i couldn't get the cash. Monday, then, will be the magical day for getting my laptop back. i am wearing my bangs back today. trying to make myself comfortable with my forehead or something. i think i just need a new look. by the way, i apologize, to anyone who might actually be coming to this site, for the state of its construction. soon i will have pictures of myself as well as some of my writing. Of course, that might not interest you, but what the hell.

18 May 2001

[*]

under some level of stress this week, i am looking forward to the weekend. still looking for a book that needs to be read for Monday night. got paid today, but that money (well, most of it) will be going toward my 'get my laptop out of the pawnshop fund.' it truly sucks to be poor. I've missed my laptop. these last three months have been a nightmare in terms of my productivity & school work. i generally do my papers on my laptop because i am less likely to be distracted by the internet or the bells & whistles on my desktop. This is very sad, i realize, that my attention span won't allow me to write even a two page paper without checking my e-mail or playing with photoshop. i tell myself time and time again that i need a break, but for some reason i continue to push myself through grad school. My heart is not in it. i don't like what i am studying. reading the dead white crap that plagues the curricula of english departments makes me sick. what's even worse are the dead white professors. While, yes, they are breathing and speaking - physiological signs of life (although dead corpses have been known to moan as the last bits of air are emitted from their diaphragm even hours after death) - they are still dead. dead to their students. Dead to reality. Dead to the fact that they are full of crap and full of themselves. when i was a dancer, i made mass money off of conceited, know-it-all men. i guess they thought it was cute that a semi-intelligent person like myself didn't mind submitting herself for the pleasure of men. i guess it was just another position of authority they could have. they are the kings of the classroom and the controller of their wives at home and some chic who bears it all at a club. But i, i was the one in control as i flattered their ego and emptied their wallets, filled with the money drained from the cobwebbed pockets of poor students like myself - kinda like recycling. yes, i realize professors don't make the best money, but it seems as if the ones who do make the big bucks are the ones who have no business being in a classroom. i digress oh hell, i think i ought to get some further training or computer certifications and just work in front of a monitor all day. at least i can turn those off when they talk back to me. if only professors and stubborn high school students, after exhibiting the "blue screen of death" so common in windoze 98, could be shut down through the control-alt-delete keystroke. life would be that much better. However,i'd probably just yank the cord like my hostile self often does. hey, wait - it's Friday - no worries, well soon.

15 May 2001

[*]

today i began my task of obtaining all fifteen of my frickin' books needed for a five week class. While i was initially staring at a hefty bill from amazon or barnes and noble, i am now waiting to see if the librarian at one of the local middle schools is able to scrounge together any of the books. oh yeah, this is an adolescent literature course, if you're scratching your head and asking why a graduate student needs books from a middle school. for wednesday, i have to read as vampire book called _DarkAngel_ which sounds interesting. i hope I'll be able to get it today! we've only had one class, and I'm already behind . . . tonight, if time allows - which it won't - i want to go out to dinner, somewhere decent. But I'll probably end up at home eating macaroni n' processed cheese-like substance and drinking a beer or three. The fact that i start another class next week really disturbs me. i am going to be on overload. But school (where i work) lets out in a couple weeks, and that will definitely cut down on the stress factor. i start my summer computer job on the 6th; I'm looking forward not having to play baby-sitter, editor, teacher, lace, gopher - all of which are part of my job description. la de da! i start an American realism course next week; thank the gods that henry hopped-up james is nowhere on the book list. But then again, the book list does include an anthology, and because i have yet to see a syllabus, i can't say for sure that _daisy miller_ or _turn of the screw_ won't be interjected into plethora of assigned readings for the crash-course. These summer classes are so short that by the time i get stressed, they are already over! while i tend to get irritated with my classmates during the course of the semester, i tend to stay focused enough during summer sessions that i don't have time to get annoyed with the idiots, preps, and wannabes that frustrate me so. i suppose i ought to learn to ignore other people and worry about my own self. sha right, as if . . .

14 May 2001

[*]

one word: Monday after a grueling 17 week semester, & only a week to unwind, i am starting summer classes. i still don't know what kind of paint i was huffing when i decided that taking 12 semester hours would be feasible, but it must have seemed logical a month ago when i registered for the summer sessions. Oh dear. Still awaiting the grades i earned for the two courses i took this spring, I'm not so sure about the future of my graduate studies. In fact, at times, i think I'm better off throwing in the towel & getting a full time job working with computers. i have no desire to remain in the high school environment forever. It's nice now, & i love the people i work with, but i need something that stretches my brain & keeps me from regressing into stupidity, which was the tragic result of working with college students with i.q.s of inanimate objects.

13 May 2001

[*]

today has been rather boring. tom is at work today until 11 tonight, absolutely nothing is on tv; i would listen to a cd, but - oh yeah - i sold most of them last month to catch up on bills. c'est la vie. i did get some work done on the site, however, including the links page and some other modifications on preexisting pages. i told myself last night that i was going to finish the laundry & clean up the apartment. If that does actually happen, it won't be until after i run out for some beer to at least put me in a happy mood. that, of course, is not to say that I'm down in the dumps right now - I'm just lonely & in a funk of sorts. While i often enjoy being alone, i don't have much - besides cleaning - to occupy my time. i think if my cats were fighting or being rambunctious, & and not sleeping, i wouldn't feel so weird. My ghost isn't even here - that's a story in its self.